The New Rules of Golf (per Obama)
Monday, November 16th, 2009President Obama’s Golf Czar Announces the Following Rule Changes to the Game of Golf:
Golfers with handicaps:
- below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%
- between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
- above 18 will play for free and in some cases, with proper paperwork, will even get a check from the club/course played.
Golfers with handicaps above 27 will be allowed to turn in their existing ‘clunker’ golf clubs and will receive a one-time federal government stimulus payment of $2,500 for them. This program will, however, require them to purchase new golf clubs.
The $ amount put in for bets will be as follows:
- for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
- between 11 and 18 no additional amount
- above 18 you will immediately withdraw $10 from the pot.
The term “gimme putt” will be changed to “entitlement putt” and will be used as follows:
- handicaps below 10, no entitlements
- handicaps 11 to 18 , entitlements for putter-length putts
- handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt; just pick it up
In addition, a player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par.
Only after all players in the foursome have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that player again begin to count his score with anything lower than a bogie..
The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term ‘net score’ will become the ‘gross score’ for scoring those players with handicaps 19 and above. No longer will America’s high handicap golfers suffer the ‘food stamp’ syndrome of being judged by ‘net scores’.
This is intended to ‘redistribute‘ the success of winning to golf’s ‘rightful owners’ – higher handicap golfers. These brave people have faithfully paid their club dues and green fees. They have stuck with the game while being frustrated, laughed at, and emotionally abused by the continual successes of better golfers.
Trophies in America will no longer celebrate 1st place victories in golf. The most honor and prizes will be given to those players in future tournaments who finish in 9th place. Runner-up awards will be given to those who finished closest to 9th place. (Example: 8th place and 10th place will receive equal runner-up prizes.)
Per Obama:
“These new Rules are intended to provide CHANGE and HOPE for regular golfers. America will be leveling the playing field for everyone, not just the best golfers. The time for fairness in golf has finally come!
Warning: Any golfer, golf official or golf group violating these rules will be convicted of “golf discrimination” and will be assessed an extra 20% surtax penalty on their annual federal income tax return.
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